Long-term relationships can often feel like a beautiful mystery, right? I’m frequently asked, “How do you keep that spark alive after years—or even decades—together?”

The truth is, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. From my experience as a relationship counselor—and from what I’ve observed in my own marriage—couples who thrive tend to share a set of core habits.

Below, I’ll walk you through nine of these habits. Some might seem familiar, while others could surprise you, but all of them play a crucial role in fostering a deep, lasting connection.

Let’s dive in.

1. They prioritize genuine communication

I often say communication is the bridge between two hearts, and like any bridge, it needs regular maintenance to stay strong. If communication falters, misunderstandings and resentment can creep in.

I’ve worked with couples who realized they were only discussing logistics—bills, groceries, who’s picking up the kids—without ever checking in on how they’re feeling. Over time, they drifted emotionally.

Start small. Ask questions that go beyond the basics like “How was your day?” Make time for real, active listening. Put your phone away, maintain eye contact, and reflect back what your partner says. As Brené Brown wisely stated, “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.” Vulnerable, honest communication nurtures intimacy.

2. They express appreciation for the little things

“Thank you for doing the dishes.” “I appreciate you folding the laundry.” We might assume our partners already know we’re grateful, but unspoken gratitude often feels like no gratitude at all.

I’ll never forget a client on the brink of ending a 15-year marriage. When I asked what was missing, she said through tears, “I just want to hear a simple ‘thank you’ once in a while.” That’s how powerful appreciation can be.

Gratitude—expressed consistently—builds positive momentum. It’s like making regular deposits in the emotional bank account. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, couples who regularly express appreciation report higher relationship satisfaction. So yes, those little “thank yous” can lead to big love.

3. They support each other’s personal growth

A healthy relationship isn’t about merging into one person—it’s about two individuals choosing to be together. As Michelle Obama said, “Your success will be determined by your own confidence and fortitude.” This applies not only to personal pursuits but to relationships as well—supporting your partner’s growth without feeling threatened.

When couples give each other room to pursue their own passions, hobbies, or career goals, the relationship blossoms. I emphasize in my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship that codependency isn’t the only way. The healthiest relationships are those where both partners grow independently and together.

4. They handle conflict constructively, not destructively

Disagreements are inevitable, but how they’re handled can make or break a relationship. Conflict can feel like a storm—unsettling, but ultimately cleansing. The key difference between couples who grow stronger and those who drift apart is how they navigate conflict.

Research from The Gottman Institute reveals that how couples argue is a predictor of their long-term success. It’s about avoiding blame and focusing on specific behaviors or situations. If an argument starts to get out of hand, take a step back and remember you’re talking to someone you love.

Respectful arguments lead to deeper understanding, bringing you closer rather than pushing you apart.

5. They never stop courting each other

Remember when you first started dating? You put effort into looking nice, planned creative dates, and even wrote little notes. Why should that stop just because you’ve been together for years?

Life gets busy, yes. But making time for small romantic gestures keeps that “new love” spark alive. Try planning surprise date nights or doing something out of the ordinary to reignite the butterflies.

One couple I worked with began a monthly “surprise date” tradition. Each person would secretly plan a date, and they’d reveal it on the day. It reminded them of the excitement they felt when they were first dating—and those butterflies are still fluttering years later.

6. They practice empathy and emotional support

Sometimes, the most supportive thing you can do for your partner is to listen with an open heart. Stepping into your partner’s shoes and truly understanding their feelings strengthens your emotional bond.

I’ve learned in my counseling practice that often, people need validation more than solutions. If your partner is venting about their day, they might not want advice—they just want to know you’re there.

As Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, said, “Empathy is about standing in someone else’s shoes, feeling with their heart, seeing with their eyes.” Be there for each other, both in celebration and in hardship, and show you’re on the same team.

7. They laugh and play together

Laughter is often the best medicine—and it’s also essential in a relationship. I once worked with a couple who hadn’t laughed together in years. They were overwhelmed with work, finances, and family duties. I suggested they try something lighthearted—like an old board game.

A week later, they came back with smiles. They had stayed up late playing charades, laughing uncontrollably, and rediscovered the joy of being partners in fun, not just in responsibilities.

Making time for play and laughter keeps things light and helps you stay connected, even in the most hectic times.

8. They prioritize physical affection

Physical affection is one of the key elements that differentiates a romantic partnership from a platonic one. Over time, though, it’s easy to let physical touch slip as life becomes busier.

Even small gestures—like a kiss hello or a brief hug—can strengthen your bond. Physical touch releases oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which enhances feelings of connection. Don’t let busy schedules get in the way of simple acts of affection. A 10-second hug can go a long way in keeping the spark alive.

9. They practice forgiveness and let go of grudges

Every relationship has its share of mistakes—hurtful words, misunderstandings, or neglected needs. The couples who maintain lasting love don’t let these moments define them. They address issues, learn from them, and move forward together.

I recall a wife who chose to forgive her husband after he made a careless joke about her career. Although hurt, she realized that holding onto anger was only harming her, so she let it go.

Tony Robbins once said, “Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.” By letting go of resentment and forgiving, you make space for healing and growth.

Final Thoughts

Long-term love isn’t built on grand gestures or perfect harmony. It’s the small, consistent habits—like honest communication, showing appreciation, nurturing growth, handling conflict well, keeping the romance alive, practicing empathy, and forgiving each other—that keep the spark alive.

If you notice gaps in any of these areas, don’t panic. Change takes time, and recognizing where improvement is needed is the first step. Together, you can create new ways to reconnect and strengthen your bond.

True love endures because both partners consciously choose it—day in, day out. That’s what keeping love alive is all about.